Streams of Conscience While on Vacation
I’m currently in the process of making a pretty big decision. I’m trying to decide whether or not to buy the home I’ve been living in for the past year and a half.
A lot of things have to line up logistically in order to make it happen, but I’m slowly moving forward.
I mentioned wanting to buy my house to my landlord last year and she mentioned she had been thinking about selling. For most of my life, that kind of lining up would be enough for me to develop a focus so narrow, I wouldn’t consider any other option. But I guess getting older has changed me. Getting older and the sound advice of good friends and family.
There are drawbacks to living in the country. A few I’ll be able to to remedy pretty quickly. And then, my hope is that within a year, I can remedy the rest. The plan isn’t just to put down roots, but to put down roots and to give myself the freedom to travel around more often and more easily.
2020 has been such a significant year. I had thought that it was the first year that I had made it being self-employed, but I forgot. I almost made it in 2019, too. I quit my last job in early January of 2019 in order to prepare to hike the AT.
Hiking the AT made me realize how much harder I need to work on certain aspects of my life, namely, making my businesses successful and being smarter with money. I want to be smarter with money because there are too many things I want to do with money. I loathe that this is the way life works, but I accept it.
This was the most successful year I’ve ever had in terms of selling artwork. I’m so grateful. Success these days means breaking even. I had enough money to pay bills, buy groceries and gas, and I was able to go to therapy twice a month. That’s it.
It wasn’t always fun, but I remind myself often of how ridiculous it is to make it as a single female artist in this world. I haven’t even scratched the surface, and I am by no means in the clear. There’s a very long uphill road in front of me. That’s hard to swallow after the year I had.
It reminds me of being on the AT, mentally and physically shot, realizing I had only covered 670 of 2,192 miles. There are no guarantees that the next day will be easier. It may actually be harder. I ended up quitting when I pieced all of this together. It wasn’t worth it, and I wasn’t happy.
I want to blow an inordinate amount of money shopping online every 20 minutes. And I want to travel, all of the time. I want to eat out, and at the best restaurants. I want to buy friends drinks. I can’t stop wanting these things, but I have to constantly put my life into perspective, based on what is really real. I have to also remind myself of “my calling,” which to be honest, I am not so sure I have any clue what that is.
I thought that my life’s calling was to be an artist, but after I see what it really takes, just as I saw what the AT really was, I am not so sure anymore. Well, I know I will always be an artist, but I am not so sure I can continue being an artist that asks my artwork to sustain me financially. I wonder how many more days of that are in me.
I guess, even though the answer isn’t clear, I’m glad to be on the path toward that answer. I think I’ve merely been rolling down a hill for the past decade. This year, I found some sort of professionalism for the first time. Even as I type those words, I think of how much further I have to go to get to where I want to be…
This year I completed artwork that I really don’t believe I would have otherwise been able to finish. It didn’t always feel profound in the moment, but my brain does recognize: this is an amazing accomplishment as well.
I’m on a break, but I’m thinking about where to guide and focus my momentum over the next year. I want things to build and grow. I have this habit of going off on some adventure whenever I accumulate any amount of wealth. That habit’s been broken. 2021’s theme is “How can I NOT rock the boat.”
The irony, or hope, is that, if I can keep moving in an upward trajectory, I highly intend to rock the boat as soon as possible, and as wildly as I can. I am learning a virtue I have NEVER given a lot of attention to: Patience.
Oh, Patience. You and I are going to be spending a lot of time getting to know one another in the months to come.