I leave for Manchester, Tennessee tomorrow. Bonnaroo doesn't start until Thursday, but I'm going early with a crew to help build a sculpture, or a Pod, to be exact.

Scoring free tickets to shows is a small hobby of mine, even if it means working for them. The only other time I've been to Bonnaroo, I volunteered, and though I received a free pass, I did also vow then that I would NEVER mix work with Bonnaroo again. The festival was loads of fun, but the volunteer experience was hellish.

Volunteer Tent: Trying to nap on break during our 12 hour shift. Miz.

When the opportunity arose for me to go again this year, I considered how different this time would be compared to my last. I'd be going with friends and making artwork. Plus, I was told I'd be fed, have access to showers, and be wearing an Artist pass. Although I'd be there for an entire week, I'd be living in the lap of outdoor festival luxury. I was all in.

But, oh, how the winds have changed over the past week.

I've learned that all those perks were ever so slightly exaggerated. I won't go into detail about it, as I'm trying to get over it as much as I can, but it's not going to be as glamorous as I was told (and then made up in my mind).  I fear this is my punishment for breaking my No Work at Bonnaroo vow.

VIP Tent: My brief glimpse of fancy Bonnaroo life. To know that sweetness, you never want to go back.

If I make it through this week of being exposed to the elements, I'll be sure to post some pictures and fill you in on all the details, and if you're going to Bonnaroo, come visit me at Pod 4. I'll be the one that looks like a lobster.

I was with my family last weekend at my grandfather's lakehouse in Alabama. I've been going there my whole life, and it's where I learned to eat well and ski.

My goal for the past few years is to be able to get up on one ski on the first shot of the summer. I'm usually unable to do it, but this year it happened effortlessly.

BETH MEADOWS Gluttony's Humble Get-Together acrylic on canvas 2011

I know, however, that it wasn't effortless. I've been in preparation for this season over the past few months- seven months to be exact. I've lost almost 25 pounds in that amount of time, and I've been taking care of some aches and pains, in my back, shoulders, and legs, that I've had trouble with over the past few years.

While there seems to be evidence of my hard work physically, there is still more work to be done in the way of self-discipline as I, sometimes agonizingly, count calories, stretch, swim, hike, jog, and bike. I wouldn't say I always do it cheerfully.

***

I'm not sure exactly what brought on the motivation to alter my life last November. I remember being fed up with my shoulder and neck hurting, so I joined the YWCA so that I could swim, to see if it would relieve the pain.

Then I started doing yoga, and after a month or two, I had accidentally lost five or so pounds. After that, losing weight became contagious. I wanted to walk into a room confidently.

***

After graduating from college five years ago, I sort of let myself go, as they say. Mentally, I was a wreck, but I was also on the mend. I knew I had a lot of healing to do, so I decided the remedy was to live my life "organically", to go with the flow, to do what I wanted, in big and small ways. For me, there was freedom in finally listening to myself, but it was also horribly confusing, not only to myself but to those around me. The problem was I wasn't quite sure what I wanted yet, especially on things that really mattered, when other people were involved.

At the same time, I was relishing in life, going out, eating and drinking with little to no limit. I have no idea how I made it work financially, but somehow I was able to keep paying my rent. I was fatter and happier than ever.

***

I was in a not great relationship at the beginning of this year. It's not that we didn't enjoy each other, we really did, but we weren't on the same page about a lot of things, and you know how that ends up.

It was hard to let go of him, but at the same time, I, rather sadly, realized how much I loved him, more than anyone I've been with in a long time, while also realizing how little he wanted to understand me or listen to what I thought. I was falling for someone who wasn't being the man I needed him to be.

I'm still not quite sure what he wanted with me, someone who thinks about every detail of everything, when he didn't want to think about much at all, but I've always tended to be a magnet to men like him.

I walked away from that disaster, and at the same time, felt like I was walking away from every other relationship I've had over the past ten years. I've liked every person I've ever dated for different reasons- how much they made me laugh, how smart they were, how dorky they were about their interests. My affections can run so strong for only an aspect of a man, so much so that I tend to overlook the qualities I could never live with.

***

It's odd to realize you've never fully loved someone, but I guess it's for the best.

***

I hate it when single girls in their twenties say that they'll probably never get married. (I've said it before, so I can say just how much I hate it.) I won't say it again, but I do know I'm in transition- a stripping away of the foolish girl I've been in the past. I've had to tear my heart out for so many men, to help myself let go of them. Sometimes I wonder how I still have hope, but I do. I don't think a heart can lose it's ability to love.

I'm trying to will myself to turn away from my natural inclinations and look toward something... brighter.

***

It is my desire to be more sensible these days; I have to be able to counter my heart that is always so full. I'm working on self-control, because, quite frankly, living organically has turned out to be a bunch of crap. It left me wreckless, fat, and poor.

Strong relationships, friendships, and bodies don't happen naturally. All of life goes against it. The more adamant I am about eating right, the more friends and co-workers give me free drinks and food. It's a proven fact!

I have to run and I have to eat less than what I used to if I want pounds to shed. While I often (stupidly) daydream of wearing smaller clothes that fall better on a less rotund body and to have men fall for me left and right as a result, I'd like to hope my motivations run deeper.

Though I run the risk of being self-absorbed in my fitness endeavors, I hope that at some point it will mean thinking about myself less.

It's worth a shot.

Finally got there
and I couldn't find you anywhere.

the old one
me
the new one
and you

About twenty of my mason jar paintings and a couple of other pieces will be hanging at Three Rivers Market next Wednesday, May 30, through Sunday, July 1, so while you're shopping there over the next month, please take a look. If you've never been there, I suggest going for their hot bar at lunch. My co-workers are obsessed and I finally found out why last week. Delicious.

I'm excited because I think the mason jars will be perfect there, and it will be a good chance to see how they look all together. Everything will be for sale, and if you buy six or more mason jar paintings, they are $5 off each.  They will also be available via my Etsy shop, and as they sell, I'll keep adding more to the wall at Three Rivers, so feel free to purchase however you'd like.

Here are a few that I've recently listed on Etsy:

Preserves No. 111

Preserves No. 109

Preserves No. 110

Hope you can stop in.

Work by Beth Meadows
May 30- July 1, 2012
Three Rivers Market
1100 N Central Street
Knoxville, TN 37917
Open 9am to 10pm Everyday

Note: This is a Juicy/ cat lady post. Read at your own risk.

As far as I know when I was growing up, my mom never took our pets to have their teeth cleaned. They were pets after all.

A few years ago I worked at a vet clinic, and while my gathering of data was not scientific, I'd say about half of the pets we saw had their teeth cleaned every year or so. I had no idea there were that many animals out there with pearly whites.

Assisting teeth cleanings was one of my least favorite tasks at the clinic. Each animal was put into a drug-induced haze and they'd sway back and forth while the high pitched water pick scraped away years of plaque from their teeth. It smelled bad and a lot of times they'd lose some of their teeth. It was gross and made me feel sad. I'd think I shouldn't be here. Not for this.

They say regular teeth cleanings can prolong your pet's life, so when my vet told me Juicy needed a cleaning, I began to fret. While I know she's just a cat, she is my cat, and if I plan on her being around til I'm 85, I should take her in, right? At the same time, it's a lot of money for something that seems both risky and silly. As far as I can tell, animals have been getting along just fine without dental appointments.

While I consider taking her in to have the cleaning (and quietly save up because my love for her will win out), I've purchased her some dental care treats in the meantime. While dental care treats sound like an oxymoron, I can only hope they're helping.

I do know one thing- she's crazy about them. Whenever she hears any resemblance of plasticy packaging being opened, she runs to the kitchen and sits up on a chair. I turn around to see her huge black pupils entranced on whatever I'm holding.

Although the treats are only two calories, I know her body isn't lacking in the food department. It's hard to deny her wild-eyed face, though, and the fact that she's begun to claw at me if I try to pass her without giving her any (out of control). If it's keeping her teeth from rotting out, however, I'm happy to oblige her.

This was one of two pieces I showed in the group exhibition

Amalgam

at the Fluorescent Gallery May 4. I made this painting earlier in the year when I was listening to the radio incessantly, specifically pop radio stations. The title of the piece is also the title of a song:

I painted the black and the red-orange on top of a plasticy floral motel bedspread, a material I found fitting. It is, but not excluded to being, a tribute to Rihanna's red-orange hair.

Here are some more detailed shots of the Letter-Writing Boxes I made for the Salvage Show (see post below).