Almost every morning around 7am, my neighbor spends thirty seconds starting his car. Once it's started, he revs his engine for another 20 seconds or so.

Simultaneously, I lie in bed awake, fuming.

***

Most mornings in between 3am and 5am, I wake up and can't fall back asleep until about an hour before my alarm goes off or the revving of the engine starts outside my window, whichever comes first.

I eventually fall asleep, deeply, so when my alarm finally goes off, I often hit snooze for thirty minutes to an hour.

Putting my alarm across the room so that when it goes off, I have to get out of bed to turn it off, hasn't cured my snooze addiction. All it means is that I walk back and forth between my phone and bed for about thirty minutes, in five minute intervals.

It's completely masochistic, insane, bewildering.

***

One early morning while it was still dark, I woke up from a dream that I realized has been recurring, in theme, for a long time. The scenario changes, but the feeling is the same.

Basically, there is a problem to be solved or task to be completed- I have to find someone, gather something in boxes, prepare for an event, or take an exam. I work to accomplish the goal, but the end result is unreachable. In all my might and effort, I can't complete what I set out to do.

I see the person I'm trying to find, but they disappear. The things I put in boxes keep falling out. I gather what I need to for an event, but they keep escaping me. I go from room to room on my high school campus, unable to find where I'm supposed to take the exam.

The tension and frustration is palpable, as everything I want or need becomes elusive. I wake up, relieved it was a dream, and by the time I'm fully coherent, I forget the dream altogether.

***

Although reality grants me the ability to accomplish small tasks throughout the day, there are still the White Stags in my life, ever-elusive goals I can't fulfill.

I'll hunt them down with time.

***

I know one thing. The impending reaction to my neighbor and his revving engine is becoming less and less elusive.

I worry.

I worry about people who are addicted to their smart phone. I worry when friends play games on their phones during social gatherings. I worry that people mistake The Daily Show as a reliable news source. I worry whenever I watch a reality TV show. I worry when I write on someone's Facebook Wall, if it's for them or me. When I am on my couch watching an inspiring documentary or movie, I worry if my life could ever be as inspiring.

I worry.

One of my favorite painters recommended I read the commencement speech given at Stanford in June 2007 by Dana Gioia, former chairman of the National Endowment for the Arts. If you are an artist of any type and you worry, you should read it.

I have one more mason jar painting to make to reach my goal of 100. Here is No. 99, which you may purchase here.



No. 100 has been claimed by a friend, so that leaves a few at Magpies Bakery and a couple that are also listed on my shop.

I thought at this point I'd know more how I felt about continuing to make these after I reached 100. I'm not burnt out on them, but I'd like to take a break to concentrate on some drawings I've been wanting to make on paper.

In other news, I just booked a show at a coffee shop in Memphis for February (more on that later) and am working on showing at a very popular dining establishment in downtown Knoxville come spring. (can you guess which?)

I'm not sure if anyone has gathered this, but I really like animals. I like them so much that when I was finishing up college, I got a job working at a vet clinic, just to see what it was like*.


Llama
acrylic on canvas
2011
Sold (I will have prints of this soon)

The clinic was about a 20 to 30 minute drive from where I lived in downtown Knoxville, and most of the time, I was the only employee there with my boss. I'd spend my hour long lunch breaks alone and also the afternoons, when she'd leave for a few hours.

As I've mentioned before, I was really down back then but was too confused, prideful, (something), to do anything about it. I bring this up because, even though my job was really great, it wasn't good for me to be alone so much.

On my hour lunch break, I did various things alone in the area, trying to distract myself from thinking too much.

One activity I enjoyed was taking walks at Victor Ashe Park. It's not an aesthetically pleasing park and best serves soccer players and disc golfers, but there's a path that runs through it to the far end where it crosses a small road, passes over a creek via a bridge, and winds with the creek through woods and large backyards.

So I'm walking there for the first time, woods on either side, listening to the water rush over root and rock. And I'm looking at the back of these people's houses and their large yards wondering if I'm really supposed to be back there, but there are other people on the path as well.

I look up, and there he is: A dirty white llama standing in the creek, looking straight at me.

He was beautiful. He was magic.

He had a friend lying in the grass behind him, and I stood for a while there, watching and falling in love. And for a brief moment, the dark cloud above my head dispersed.

***

When I'm feeling down, one of my safety nets is seeing something/someone doing what it/they do best, even if it's not particulary exciting.

Besides being cuddly and soft, I think this is part of the reason why I love animals. They are so good at being what they are.

That day I saw the llama, he was perfectly fulfilling his role as a llama, and it made me really grateful.

***

About the painting:

In the beginning stages, I painted a llama from Machu Picchu, with the mountains and ruins behind and below him. I wanted him to be magical and strong, so it seemed like a good idea to have him standing on a tall cliff.

I decided, however, that this idea took away from the fact that anyone could happen upon this llama, as I did. I also thought it was important to have the creek.

I painted the sky pink first, and then about 20 other colors. At the time I was painting it, my friend Josh was practicing for a double bass recital in the room next to my studio a lot. As the sky changed from light yellow to white to dark grey to black, he kept telling me to make it pink again. He knows as much about art as I do about the double bass (very little), and I can't say I wanted to trust him, but for some reason, I did.

I also made the llama white because I didn't want dirt to read as brown fur. I also wanted to make him a little more fantastical, because he is. Fantastic.

*If you like animals because they are soft and cuddly, I wouldn't necessarily recommend working at a vet clinic. For all the cuteness, there is just as much that's sad, terrible, tragic, painful. I learned a great deal there.

This month, I have artwork in a few places.

One is Urbhana, located at 115 South Gay Street (Knoxville 37902) My newest paintings are there until the end of the month.

Urbhana is open:

Mon - Fri: 12:00 pm - 4:00 pm
Sat: 1:00 pm - 5:00 pm



It Don't Come Easy
acrylic on canvas
approximately 4' x 3'
$1500

Two is Magpies, located at 846 North Central Ave. (Knoxville 37917). My newest mason jar paintings are there for sale and also some framed prints of my paintings. They'll be up through December.

Magpies is open:

Tue - Fri: 10:00 am - 5:30 pm
Sat: 10:00 am - 2:00 pm



Three is I will be at the Holiday Market on Market Square THIS Saturday, December 10 from noon to 7pm. I'll have mason jars paintings, fine art prints, and more plus half of my booth will be dedicated to Knox Heritage with salvage, Knoxville postcards, JFG light bulb ornaments, and Summer Supper Cookbooks.



Come out and support your local artisans and craft makers!

In the meantime, hope all of you are drinking lots of hot chocolate and merry-making these days.

The other night, I was with some friends at an establishment that I frequent. I had had a drink or two when I ordered a small plate of food to share.

When it came out, I picked up a morsel only to find a hair stuck to the side of it. Without giving it much thought, I removed the foreign object, consumed the food, and moved on with my life.

The people I was with would not touch the food and brought up "the hair" a few times throughout the rest of the night. Though the whole situation didn't bother me in the moment, it woke me up last night, and put me in such deep thought, I couldn't go back to sleep.

***

As the hair tainted the food that I decided to eat, did I taint the thoughts my friends have of me because of my decision? Have they concluded that I'm repulsive or lacking in proper dining etiquette? What about my life experience made me make a decision like this? What do normal people do in these situations?

And so, I pondered.

The night of the incident, without a doubt, I was a little buzzed, and so full-on rational thinking was out the window, but I was NOT devoid of thought. No, my thoughts were quick, like lighting, and they were these:

1. I come to this place a lot. I know the people behind the bar well enough, and I'm just going to take care of the situation and move on without causing a scene.

2. I used to wait tables. Hair on food happens. We all wish it didn't, but it does, and it's not the end of the world.

3. Because I worked in a restaurant, I know what it's like to be on the other side of the table. No matter what the situation, when someone sends their food back, it's awkward. Even if the customer is the nicest person on the planet about it, the server plus everyone back in the kitchen knows that, "lady at seat 1, table 22" was upset enough about something so much that she complained and sent her food back. And now the whole dining experience is uncomfortable for everyone- server, manager, table. I'm not saying NEVER send back food, but I'm saying to ask if it's worth it first.

4. You can't complain at a restaurant discreetly. You have to do it in front of everyone around you, and that is something a server (like me) couldn't recover from. But say you don't complain. Are you going to sulk throughout the whole meal?

It's no fun to eat out with someone who gets upset easily. It should be a time of enjoyment, and if the people you're with are high maintenance or hard on servers, it can ruin a whole evening.

5. Sending back food worries me. You don't want to piss off chefs. They are an angry people with the perfect amount of control and distance from the situation to taint your food worse without you knowing. In other words, I don't send back food unless there's a thumb or something in it (this has never happened, but would make a GREAT blog post), and if it's fast food (this has never happened either), I throw it away because I got what I paid for.

***

Sometimes I wish someone would pay me to research and conduct polls about scenarios like this, to find "the norm." I would ask things like:

If you are dining out and find a hair on your food in a restaurant, would you:

a) chew the server out and ask for a full refund
b) chew the server out and then order something else
c) chew the server out and then order the same dish
d) politely ask for the plate to be removed and for a refund
e) politely ask for the plate to be removed and order something else
f) politely ask for the plate to be removed and order the same dish
g) not say anything and not eat the food
h) remove the hair, not say anything, and eat it begrudgingly
i) remove the hair, not say anything, and eat it without caring

 The answer to this question can speak volumes about a person. It could speak volumes about a whole social class. There is an understanding that can be found through the answer to this question.

***

In a way, I feel like a martyr. I chose to eat the tainted food the other night because I quickly decided I could suck it up enough not to cause a scene or create awkwardness with the employees there. This is all well and good, but I'm pretty certain I permanently grossed out the people I was with and this makes me self-conscious. It bothers me to have reasons for my actions that others may not understand. And the thing is, I understand their decision not to partake. I see their side that it was gross, certainly.

***

I've concluded that my answer to the above poll question next time will be e) or f) and only i) if I can remove the hair without anyone noticing.

What are you going to do?

***

Some people (mostly old boyfriends) have told me I think too much. I tell them it's because I'm compensating for their lack of thought. No, I've never said that, but it sure as heck feels like I'm compensating for something.